Intimate Encounter Of The First Kind

In the spirit of mid-February (there is no way I will use the V-word), I’ve prepared three postings I thought relevant to the occasion. This first piece, is an excerpt from A.J. Jacobz’s book, The Know-It-All. Jacobz, an editor for Esquire, suspected that he had lost his intellectual capacity he once had when he was in elementary school. To restore it, he determined to read The Encyclopaedia of Brittanica, all 32 volumes of it. The Know-It-All is his version of journal –chronologically ordered not by dates, but by encyclopedic entry order– where he wrote down any thoughts and events crossed his mind when reading each entry. This one about courtship is undeniably attractive.

C, Courtship
I can’t believe what a bunch of sleazeballs these animals are. That’s what strikes me whenever I read about courtship rituals in the animal kingdom. These critters –at least the male ones– are some slime, deceitful operators. Consider the shameless debauchee known as the swordtail characin fish (whom I first encountered in the animal behavior section). The male swordtail characin, you see, has long stringy bits that dangle from his gills –bits that are designed to look exactly like the daphnia worm, the characin’s favorite snack. When a hungry female characin sees this tantalizing daphnia, she naturally approaches, anticipating a nice meal. Instead, when she’s close enough, she gets an unpleasant surprise: the male shtups her. A literal bait and switch.

There are dozens of such stories. Here’s just one other, for variety. The female cichlid fish are called “mouth breeders,” which means they’re incubating eggs in their mouth. The females swallow up any stray eggs and keep them stored safely between the cheeks. The male cichlid fish knows about this, so he’s developed his fins to look exactly like an egg –same size, same mustard color. The poor lady cichlid spies one of these so called eggs, and paddles over to try to swallow it up. But as soon as she opens her mouth, bam, the male sprays her with sperms. Just like that.

I guess I shouldn’t be all that surprised about the level of deceit in courtship behavior. Humans aren’t exactly 100 percent guileless when it comes to romance. If they were, Wonderbra would be out of business and match.com ads would read, “Short, pudgy guy with no discernible income and acne scars that resemble the constellation Ursa Minor seeks beautiful woman to share his rent-controlled apartment.” So I shouldn’t be all high and mighty.

In fact, Julie loves to tell me that I engaged in shameless deceit when wooing her. “For the first three months, it was Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Jekyll,” she says. “Then you had hooked me, and all of a sudden, here comes Mr. Hyde!” I had my own version on the tantalizing daphnia-shaped gills, says Julie. Namely, I pretended to like parties, dancing, dinners at fancy restaurants, even the occasional Broadway musical. Over one early dinner, we made ambitious plans about all the places we’d like to travel: Sweden, South Africa, Portugal. Now Julie knows my actual list of places I want to travel: kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom. And as for Broadway musicals, I haven’t been within five hundred yards of an orchestra pit since she accepted my engagement ring.

I, on the other hand, don’t see it as deception. I tell her: “It wasn’t a conscious change from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. It’s just that I found the woman I love and I figured I didn’t need to go out to parties anymore.” That one always causes a half laugh, half scoff.

After I read about the characin, I padded out the living room to share it with her. “Hey Julie,” I say. “You know how you say I deceived you and tricked you into marrying me?”

“I sure do.”
“Well, look at this.”
She reads it. “Makes sense,” she says. “Makes a lot of sense.” She seems pleased.

I take back my Britannica and pad back into my office. I’m not sure why I just shared that with her. It certainly didn’t help my cause. In fact, now I’m pretty much screwed in all future arguments. I think I have to be a little more careful with the information I share.